This Is How It "Ends"

Chrump’s Acceptance (of His Reality) Speech

In the Paying Attention Chrump-proof bunker
November 5, 2016, 9:18 PM

“Get even with people. If they screw you, screw them back ten times as hard. I really believe that.”
                                         Donald J. Trump, October 2011

Thanks to our contacts at Wackileaks Paying attention has come into possession of Donald Chrump’s concession speech in the event that there is actually a God, who rather than capriciously torturing humankind for a change, decides to provide Hillary Clinton a decisive victory in the Battle for Human Survival 2016. This came into our possession in mid-October, but we didn’t want to go public with it for fear influencing the election; like FBI Director James Comey we didn’t want to be misinterpreted on such a sensitive topic.

On November 8, 2016 at approximately 9:15 PM Eastern Time, we expect that every news network in the world (with the exception of Russia, the Philippines and Fux News) will be jumping at the chance to be the first to call the election for Hillary Rodham Clinton. Perhaps most anxious for a Clinton victory is Wall Street. And not just because the Clintons have never met a huge corporation they didn’t like. The stock market bumps up whenever it seems more likely that Chrump will lose the election. But I digress. Plus, screw Wall Street. Anyway, we expect Donald Chrump to address the nation after being beaten like an orange silly-string-headed step monkey. A frazzled and jittery nation awaits what it hopes and expects to be the final throes of the Candidacy. From. Hell. With any luck all the nervous tics, hair loss, nail biting, weight gain, depression, substance abuse, weeping, yelling, random acts of hatred, frayed relationships, frazzled nerves, painfully trenchant and excruciatingly hilarious blog posts and pervasive world-wide despair will finally abate, allowing many Americans, and in fact many millions of people across the entire planet to heave a collective sigh of relief.

It is hoped that the global threat known as Donald J. Chrump has finally run out of steam. Like the mighty Norwegian Blue, the Chrump campaign has shuffled off its mortal coil, joined the choir invisible; it has ceased to be. Even its plumage is losing its luster (not that it was ever something one would call beautiful). I know a dead campaign when I see one and I’ve been looking at one for several weeks now. Chrump’s campaign has gone to meet its maker, it has passed on; it rests in peace. Bereft of life, this campaign is no more. Don has left the building. He is more than tired and shagged out after a long squawk, beyond pining for the casinos, The Apprentice or the good-old-pussy-grabbing days. Chrump is a late candidate. If the Human Cheese Puff wasn’t getting so much damned attention he’d be pushing up daisies.

This is an ex-candidate.

We imagine he is popping tic tacs – just in case – and making his way onto the stage, the familiar swagger/stagger in his step, the signature pout, every “hair” sprayed within an inch of its life, perfectly into place. We will now step aside as much of America nervously prepares for the long, long, long awaited concession speech from the most reviled presidential candidate in American history, desperately hoping that Don Chrump finally kicks the political bucket. Enjoy…

Many people are saying that Crooked Hillary won. What do they know?

I don’t have to keep you in suspense any longer, okay? As I said, “I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election…if I win.” I deserve a lot of credit for this. A. Lot. Of. Credit. I have given this a lot of thought and I Donald Chrump have decided that I won. I want to thank all the little people who voted for me Donald Chrump in this very, very rigged election. “For the most part, you can’t respect people because most people aren’t worthy of respect.”(actual 2014 quote) As you know, I ran the best campaign. Many people are saying that even though many people are saying that hardly anyone actually voted for me – I told you this thing was rigged from the beginning – I still won because I had the biggest crowds coming to see me. The biggest crowds. Those were mine. I had the most likes on Facebook too. And the best tweets. I ran the best campaign, not Crooked Hillary Clinton. I think I showed amazing restraint by not grabbing her by the pussy. Hey, it’s what boys like me do when the urge strikes. I could have done it if I wanted to. But I didn’t. Not even once. Very presidential.

If the man who says he’s president does it, then it is not illegal.

I warned everyone – and I deserve a lot of credit for this – that millions of dead people were going to vote. I have it on good authority that none of those losers voted for me. Millions of rigged dead people voting for Crooked Hillary Clinton. As you know, as everyone knows, there were many certain kinds of people in certain areas in states like Pennsylvania who voted many, many times. Some of them voted ten times. They are a bunch of uppity riggers. And you know what I’m talking about. Everyone knows this. Sad. And Hillary Clinton is a rigger lover. I had many very good people in certain places watching voters very carefully and the things they are telling me are very interesting. Very interesting. Very. Don’t expect the crooked media, which is run by certain other kinds of people – you know what I mean, people like my son-in-law Jared – to tell you the truth. They are run by the international banking conspiracy and everybody knows who they are. Most of these banks won’t even lend me money. That’s why I’m so heavily involved with Russian and Chinese banks. They are happy to lend me money. Owing them money makes me smart. And that is why I have been spreading Russian propaganda that makes Crooked Hillary look bad. Putin knows how to run and win elections. I like strong leaders.

I am not a kook.

Vladimir Putin will still be treating me like president; that I can tell you. And I promise you, I promise you and I guarantee you that Hillary Clinton will soon be in jail. Crooked Hillary Clinton. Believe me. She is such a nasty woman. Some people say she got a lot of votes. I don’t see any proof of that other than the crooked news media says so. Do you trust them? Me neither. No way. You can tell them to go fuck themselves. They’re on drugs, they’re rapists; some of them I assume are good people…maybe. Maybe not. I haven’t heard the Supreme Court say anybody won. I’m pretty sure they are the ones who decide elections. I am willing to wait for Hillary’s concession speech. She probably doesn’t have the stamina to be up this late. I’m wide awake and ready to lead. I don’t really care if she’s not able to concede. Winning is enough for me, especially with all this voter fraud that I’ve been hallucinating.

White on sisters!

I want all of you certain kind of people who have supported me all these months despite all the hateful, hurtful, misogynistic, racist, fascist things I’ve said, despite all the disgusting things I’ve done to women, despite all my talk about dating my daughter – who is just incredibly hot, am I right – all the psychotic ramblings about insane conspiracy theories, and the non-stop, excellent lying, not to mention my ridiculous skin coloring and absurd comb-around-and-around-and-around. I won among the people our founding fathers said could vote – white men and only white men. White. Men. That means I won. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, I want all of you supporting me, even now that I have won the election, to go out there and surround the White House and get Crooked Hillary Clinton out of there so I can take my rightful place where I belong so I can make America great again. Because that is what I do. I make America great again. I’ve done it many times. That I can tell you. Believe me. We cannot allow Crooked Hillary Clinton to live in my White House. Don’t you agree? Then we can start all the winning. I guarantee that you will be sick of all the winning I start doing very quickly. Very. Quickly. You will all be so sick of what I am about to do, you won’t know what hit you.

You gets what you pays for.

You people need to go in there and grab her by the…whatever and pull her out of there so I can put her in jail where she belongs. Lock her up! Lock her up! I promise I will cover your legal fees if anything happens to you. Believe me. I never lie. I have never lied. I have never done one bad thing in my whole life. Did I mention I’m very rich? And smart enough not to pay my stupid taxes or show you my tax returns, which are none of your business. I will be the best president this country has ever had and I want to thank you people for making this possible. Believe me, America will be so great again very soon once I get in that White House. If I was younger I would just jump over the fence and kick her out myself – I’d like to punch her in the face – but I have this very uncomfortable boo-boo on my foot. It kept me from going to Vietnam – which I wanted to do very much – five times. Very much. But thanks to what a great guy I am I still have a Purple Heart. And I deserve it – I did a lot of dangerous dating in the 1960s and 1970s. After that I just started kissing and grabbing women whenever and wherever I wanted so that doesn’t really count as dating. And I never date my daughter, not once; I only said I wanted to. The PC police say that is a bad thing.

I told you this thing was rigged. All those dishonest voters who say they voted for Crooked Hillary Clinton. There’s no way I got only 35% of the vote. I know for a fact that I got over 60%. I have proof. I have a team of excellent people searching for the proof and they are finding incredible things. That I can tell you. And those crooked polls and news reporters go right along with the crooked vote count and report it as fact. We know better! Am I right? Am I right?

This was bound to happen

Okay, so I’ve just been told that Crooked Hillary won’t actually be in my White House until January 24^th or something. So I want all of you to quit your jobs and prepare to meet me at the White House on January 24^th or whenever it is and we will stop Crooked Hillary from getting in there before it’s too late. I will make sure to pay everyone for missing any work if any of you can prove you actually have jobs. And everyone can stay in my excellent new hotel right here in Washington. It’s a beautiful hotel. It doesn’t say CHRUMP on it, but it’s mine. All of it. Everything is made right here…well, in China but it’s here now and that’s all that counts. I got a great deal. I know how to deal with the Chinese. Better than anyone. Anyway, just get to DC in January. Don’t worry I’ll figure it out. I always figure things out.

Who knows? Maybe now is the time when the Second Amendment people will come up with a plan. Just like Jefferson said, once in a while the people have to ignore the election and take over the government. He said it on the internet. I saw it on Breitbart and I’m pretty sure Sean Hannity said it too. And Jefferson would tell you today if he were alive – he’s not alive anymore, just so you know – that we have to respect the Second Amendment and our precious open carry laws. I have a plan. Does it involve the Second Amendment? I will tell you when the time is right. You’re gonna love it. I’m not telling anyone to shoot people, but sometimes these things happen. The Clintons have murdered hundreds of people. And when I get in there we are going to build an incredible wall and we will get Crooked Hillary Clinton to pay for it and no one will ever be able to get me out of there until I’m damn well good and ready to come out.

This I promise you. When I am inoculated on Inoculation Day, January 31^st, the winning will start and America will immediately be great again. My work here will be done. I have already begun removing my name from many buildings all over the world because that’s what presidents do and definitely not because my name is now poison in the marketplace because people now know just what a total douchebag I am. I am also looking forward to fixing the First Amendment so that I can sue the rigged media when they say mean things about me. I don’t care if what they say is true, and I am willing to use the Second Amendment to fix that idiotic first one if I have to. You Second Amendment people know what I’m talking about. Am I right? Once I fix the First Amendment the way I like it, I will release my tax returns and all of Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails – I have all of them and you won’t believe what’s in them. I know how to find them. I also have Obama’s real birth certificate, which my excellent people found. I’m not telling you where they found it, but believe me, you will be amazed…and winning with a capital “D”.

Nobody thinks more highly of Donald Chrump than me. Nobody has more respect for Donald Chrump than me. So let’s take our country back for me Donald Chrump. I say we grab America by the pussy and make America great again.

I have spoken.

Thank you and lock her up and remember to vote on November 28^th.

I. Mangrey reporting. I'm not doing this for my health.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA