Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Chrump v. Earth

If You’re President You Can Do What Want, Grab ‘em By The Planet…
Nice Planet You Got There, Be a Shame If Something Didn’t Happen To It

Third Stone From the Sun
March 28, 2017
Since he has been unable to get anything done while trying to find an umbrella large enough to shield himself and his comrades from the immense cloud of suspicion poised to deluge his alt-presidency, Der Furor impressed himself by signing another executive order. This time his target is the environment. He intends to implement a ban on anything that might protect the planet. Chrump’s latest edict says, “Let me tell you, the Earth is always losing. Highly over-rated planet, worst gravity ever. I don’t like loser planets. I like planets that don’t care about warming or carbon dioxide. I inherited such a losing planet, but I will change that. I will do it very quickly and it will be so easy it will make your head spin. This stupid planet does the same thing every day, every year, every whatever. Just going in circles around the same very mediocre Sun all the time. Nobody knows this, but the Earth goes around the Sun…constantly. Did any of you know this? I don’t think so. I know this and it seems very bad to me. This has got to stop, and stop right now. We need a planet that wins. I’m the guy that can make this planet win again. I alone can rescue the Earth from disastrous regulations and tree-huggers and replace it with something terrific.”
Pouty McFuckface puts his John Hemlock on another edict 

During his press conference, well not so much a press conference as Chrump going the extra mile (few inches actually) and taking his latest Execution...I mean Executive Order out for a walk, instead of just waving it around at his desk, to show off how he can sign his name without taking a bathroom break, the alt-president told those gathered, “Just like I got rid of ISIS so beautifully and so very quickly and very fast. Just like I got rid of the very bad and terrible Obamacare on day one. Just like I hired the best people who found proof Obama wasn’t born in America. Even I can’t believe how much I am winning. I should probably just be re-elected next year to save time.”
“Many people are saying that there’s no way to bring back all the coal jobs I promised to bring back. They say that coal is too dirty, too expensive and on its way out in a hurry. Nobody knows more about jobs and coal than I do. Right now I have a great plan to put American coal miners back to work. I am going make another of my great deals, and I always make the best deals. I alone am going to bring in many, many tons and tons of coal from China, where my beautiful ties and shirts and so many other of the amazing Chrump things are made – including my outstanding son Eric. This will be one of the greatest deals of all time. Not just my deals but, the greatest deal ever made by, I think, anyone. Here’s the deal: I am going to bring to America all of that amazing and excellent coal and we are going to get all of those miners who have lost their jobs because of Obamacare and our loser planet, back to work. First I am going to have them bury all of that crappy Chinese coal in the American ground and then we will get those great miners to dig that coal up so we can burn it in our brand new American-made (with Russian steel) coal plants without all those pathetic, loser filters. When they dig the coal up it will be the cleanest coal anyone has ever seen. Clean, clean coal. So clean. Believe me. This will make America great so fast you won’t even believe your own eyes.”
“So as I said, it is time to do something terrific with this disastrous planet that hurts people every day. A planet full of earthquakes, and hurricanes and volcanoes and blizzards and windmills. Sad. We can do much better people. We can do much, much better. Much better. Better. And nobody understands how planets work than Donald Chrump. Believe me. I do. And I don’t have to believe me because I’m already me. And in the unlikely event that I fall right on my puffy orange face, I have heard that there are hundreds of other planets out there that are probably much better than ours. I will now not take questions.”
I. Mangrey reporting. You cannot make this stuff up folks.                                                      
                            

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