Nice Planet You Got There, Be a Shame If Something Didn’t Happen To It
Third Stone From the Sun
March 28, 2017
March 28, 2017
Since he has been unable to get anything done while trying
to find an umbrella large enough to shield himself and his comrades from the immense
cloud of suspicion poised to deluge his alt-presidency, Der Furor impressed
himself by signing another executive order. This time his target is the
environment. He intends to implement a ban on anything that might protect the
planet. Chrump’s latest edict says, “Let me tell you, the Earth is always
losing. Highly over-rated planet, worst gravity ever. I don’t like loser
planets. I like planets that don’t care about warming or carbon dioxide. I
inherited such a losing planet, but I will change that. I will do it very
quickly and it will be so easy it will make your head spin. This stupid planet
does the same thing every day, every year, every whatever. Just going in
circles around the same very mediocre Sun all the time. Nobody knows this, but
the Earth goes around the Sun…constantly. Did any of you know this? I don’t
think so. I know this and it seems very bad to me. This has got to stop, and
stop right now. We need a planet that wins. I’m the guy that can make this
planet win again. I alone can rescue the Earth from disastrous regulations and
tree-huggers and replace it with something terrific.”
Pouty McFuckface puts his John Hemlock on another edict
During his press conference, well not so much a press
conference as Chrump going the extra mile (few inches actually) and taking his
latest Execution...I mean Executive Order out for a walk, instead of just
waving it around at his desk, to show off how he can sign his name without
taking a bathroom break, the alt-president told those gathered, “Just like I
got rid of ISIS so beautifully and so very quickly and very fast. Just like I
got rid of the very bad and terrible Obamacare on day one. Just like I hired
the best people who found proof Obama wasn’t born in America. Even I can’t
believe how much I am winning. I should probably just be re-elected next year
to save time.”
“Many people are saying that there’s no way to bring back
all the coal jobs I promised to bring back. They say that coal is too dirty,
too expensive and on its way out in a hurry. Nobody knows more about jobs and
coal than I do. Right now I have a great plan to put American coal miners back
to work. I am going make another of my great deals, and I always make the best
deals. I alone am going to bring in many, many tons and tons of coal from
China, where my beautiful ties and shirts and so many other of the amazing
Chrump things are made – including my outstanding son Eric. This will be one of
the greatest deals of all time. Not just my deals but, the greatest deal ever
made by, I think, anyone. Here’s the deal: I am going to bring to America all
of that amazing and excellent coal and we are going to get all of those miners
who have lost their jobs because of Obamacare and our loser planet, back to
work. First I am going to have them bury all of that crappy Chinese coal in the
American ground and then we will get those great miners to dig that coal up so
we can burn it in our brand new American-made (with Russian steel) coal plants
without all those pathetic, loser filters. When they dig the coal up it will be
the cleanest coal anyone has ever seen. Clean, clean coal. So clean. Believe
me. This will make America great so fast you won’t even believe your own eyes.”
“So as I said, it is time to do something terrific with this
disastrous planet that hurts people every day. A planet full of earthquakes,
and hurricanes and volcanoes and blizzards and windmills. Sad. We can do much
better people. We can do much, much better. Much better. Better. And nobody
understands how planets work than Donald Chrump. Believe me. I do. And I don’t
have to believe me because I’m already me. And in the unlikely event that I fall
right on my puffy orange face, I have heard that there are hundreds of other
planets out there that are probably much better than ours. I will now not take
questions.”
I. Mangrey reporting. You cannot make this stuff up folks.
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