Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Everybody knows this is Nowhere
December 27, 2016

Where Did We Go From Here

The gang here at Paying Attention has been trying our hand at divining the year to come. In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our already dubious reputation on the line to tell it like it will be. Our record so far has been as good as anyone’s and considerably better than Nate Silver’s, since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, telling it like it will be.

In this case it is the Year of Our Chrump 2020…I mean 2017 (this is what happens when you use Rent-A-Coma). Many people are saying that this will have been one of the worst years ever. And that is after living through 2016, which even more people are saying was the worst year ever. In the same way that thanks to global warming each successive year is the hottest year on record, 2016 will be known as the onset of Global Worsening – if we are lucky. We at Paying Attention are hoping that 2017 will not in fact be the Last Year, but are not holding our breath as our incoming presIDent just tweeted:

The good news is that he probably does not know what any of those words mean. Unfortunately everyone else does. So as the reins of power are transferred from one man to…something else, many people are wondering what will become of the future as it fights tirelessly to become the present and ultimately the past. 

January 1, 2017

presIDent-elect D&*$#d Chr#mp, the man who said “It would have been easier for me to settle, it would have been less complicated for me to settle, but I’ll easily win this case when it comes to court, I look forward to it. Once you settle, everybody sues you. I don’t get sued very often, because I’m not a settler.” Chrump said this even though he has settled countless cases over the years, and settles a 6,000-litigant class action lawsuit for running a sham university named after himself (like every other damn thing he sells), to the tune of $25M just weeks before being sworn at, I mean in. Chrump will describe this as “a small fraction of the potential [$40M] award because as President I have to focus on our country." Everyone will then wonder why he settled all those other cases when he had nothing to focus on. Oh wait, all of that already happened…in the United States…of Amerika. Never mind.

CHRUMP U BUDDY! I never settle…sometimes.

 

January 3, 2017 

Barack Obama finally makes good on the promise the NRA said he made, and issues an executive order banning all firearms. “Today, in return for all the hysterics, gloating over mass shootings, and general destruction of the moral fiber of the United States, I am issuing Executive Order #13769. Now this is going to be a very important change given who you all have sort of selected to replace me. I know you are going to really like this one. Let me give you a hint: A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed so long as they are registered, trained and loyal members of a well-regulated militia. You NRA motherfuckers have been up my ass since you first saw my black face, yelling and screaming and frightening the children about the America-hating, Kenyan/Muslim president who was going to take everyone’s guns away. All. Of. Them. Well guess what? I decided to finally take you up on your offer. It took a while, but here we are. If the NRA had just left me the fuck alone I probably wouldn’t even be doing this. Although all of the mass shootings over the past eight years might have done the trick eventually. And then on top of that, a huge bunch of you assholes voted to replace me with a clueless, ferret-topped jar of Cheez-Wiz to undo everything I did to rescue you from the disaster that was George W. Bush. So fuck you. You idiots are so racist you dumped Hillary because I’m black? Eat shit and die. Agents will be showing up at your house, compound, shack or underground bunker to collect all
y’all’s firearms. You could have been reasonable and just given up assault weapons and hundred-round ammo clips and maybe not downplayed the weekly mass shootings, and at least pretended not to be such racist bastards, but nooooooo. You dickheads had to stand your damn ground. Sure, the next guy can rescind – go look it up – my order in a few weeks, but good luck finding any guns anywhere – I sold them all to ISIS. They’re all mine now suckers.”  
 

                                                   January 14, 2017

In advance of his inauguration the Chrump Organization’s newest money-making venture, “PRESIDENT CHRUMP”^TM announces a terrific Grave New World production. There’s a new bloc on the block: Get ready for the Axis of Ego. Taking his rightful place among the greatest narcissists and petty tyrants of our time, the Chrumpinator proclaimed the end of Amerika’s involvement in the United Nations and NATO in favor of a new alliance of nations to oversee global security and generally oversee. Only the most qualified murdering bastards will be accepted into the new world leadership. Say good-bye to independent media, voting, civil rights and any building not bearing the Chrump name.

One of these things is just like the others

Go and get a stiff drink and gird your loins for Part II coming soon

Ed Venture, T. Doff, I. Mangrey and Shay King bringing you the future before it’s too late.