Here, there and Everywhere
December 28, 2016
December 28, 2016
Where Did We Go From
Here
Hopefully, you are either sufficiently lubricated, otherwise
altered or completely fried, or you have already started your Rent-A-Coma
program. In any event, welcome to Part II of our thee-part series on the way it
will be in 2017. We begin with inauguration day and the official onset of
Global Worsening.
January 20, 2017
John Roberts and The
Oaf of Office
Donald J. Chrump is inaugurated amid much excrement
excitement. Despite much whining, stomping of feet and middle-of-the-night
tweeting, Chrump was not permitted to swear to preserve, protect and defend the
Art of The Deal or to place his itty bitty hand on said ghost-written volume,
and was forced to place his hand on a Bible and swear an oath to the
Constitution. According to reliable sources Chrump has read exactly none of
these works. Chrump has been heard saying, “If the Constitution was such a
great book how come it was never made into a movie?” Two million Amerikans were
on hand for the swearing in. As has become commonplace at Chrump events,
thousands were paid by the Chrump/Amerika Organization to act happy, but the
vast majority paid their own way and were seen protesting and vomiting in the
streets, as they watched the 45th president being formally hired.
Forced to appear outdoors…in Washington, DC…in January…without a hat, Chrump’s
“hair” attempted to suffocate Chief (in)Justice John Roberts. It is not clear
whether the attempt on Roberts’ life was intentional. The “hair” could not be
reached for comment. It also appeared that Chrump did not know which one was
his right hand. In a tweet moments before taking the oath of office Chrump said
he was now doubly unshackled and would be “letting his hair down big league,”
adding, “nobody knows unshackled like Donald Chrump. I will make America almost
as great as me.”
January 21, 2017
Less than one day after his boss swore to pervert, preempt,
and defile the Constitution, Sarah Palin fanboy and Chrump’s Field Marshall
Stephen Bannon begins to implement his Sherman’s March over our nation’s
founding document, saying he finds it quaint and outdated adding, “So many
people imagine they understand the original intent of our founders. Most of
them are so wrong. I know this because I am one of the few who actually does
know what they meant. Every single word. Since there is so much confusion out
there I have decided to replace the old document with something newer and
stronger. And more concise with language that cannot be misinterpreted. Plus
the added benefit of having me right here to explain everything clearly right
from the start. You’re welcome.” The delusional bigot toys with officially
restricting minority voting, lowering the minimum wage, reinstating
prohibition, instituting the marriage of church and state, and replacing the
pledge of allegiance with an as-yet-undisclosed Bible verse. “We’ll show those
secular losers what they can do with their hatred of ‘under God’ in the pledge,
which our founders put there for a good reason in 1954.”
for inauguration day. He refused to answer questions of any kind.
January 22, 2017
I am happy to say to all of you who did not vote for me –
and I have all your names thanks to my Russian friends – that it is payback
time and you will all be sorry…even sorrier than you probably are right now.
Unfortunately, just like that guy who made the Great Flood – that’s from a book
called The Bible, some of you may have heard of it. Pretty good book. I had
someone read the Cliff Notes and then tell me about it. Great story. The Bible
is the second best book of all time after The
Art of The Deal, I know I said the Bible was the best while I was running,
but…I think you know what I mean. Anyway there’s a story in the Bible where
there was a yuuuge flood and everyone had to die whether they deserved it or
not.
February 2, 2017
Pennsylvania legend
and powerful prognosticator in his own right, Punxsutawney Phil emerges from
his winter nap in somewhere in the depths of Chrump’s “hair”, sees his shadow
and runs back into the tangled mass of cordage, signaling another nine months
of executive branch insanity. The American public immediately decides the
smaller rodent should be the 46th president.
March 13, 2017
The new series
QVC/White House, hosted by Ivanka, Eric and Don, Jr. debuts on Chrump TV.
Featured items on episode #1 include Chrump Hair Cement, Patented Chrump
Skin-tone, Chrump’s Best Words DVD/CD/Book Set. The teaser for episode #2
include the Coolidge China, Nixon Silverware, and a Grab-bag of State Secrets.
This promises to be a top-rated show, whether anyone watches it or not.New improved Oval Office
March 21, 2017
In another effort to enhance his personal investments, in
clear breach of the Constitution, Chrump fights to shove the giant flimsy oil
catheter known as the Dakota Access Pipeline right through the heart of the
Standing Rock Sioux reservation. The National Guard continues to refuse to maim
and murder protesting Native Americans and military veterans for a few more
hours of Earth-killing fossil fuel combustion. After several days of mad
tweeting Chrump brings in Russian troops to put an end to the protests. “I have
tried to be nice. No one is nicer than me. I have tweeted about this problem
for many days. Many days. Hillary Clinton lost in a landslide so it is obvious
that people are tired of all this protect the planet nonsense. And it is
nonsense people. That I can tell you. You people have forced me to find a final
solution and so I, Donald J. Chrump, am bringing in my Russian friends to fix
the problem. They don’t give a damn about Native Americans or the very stupid
and dishonest environment. And Russia did such a tremendous job in getting me
elected that I have great faith in them. Putin has made Russia great again and
they will settle this thing once and for all. You’re welcome.”
Go and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac, we are only
up to March so there is a good chance Part III is coming soon and you will not
want to miss what's left of the future.
Ed Venture, T. Doff, I. Mangrey and Shay King continue bringing
you the future before it’s too late.
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