Paying Attention: Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part III

Final Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Up the river with half a paddle
December 30, 2016

Where Did We Go From Here

I don't know about you, hell I barely know about me at this point, but for me personally 2016 could have been your basic whatever year. I worked, I lounged, I am en route to my first vacation in over a decade. I can live with all that. But it somehow all of that was not good enough. Unfortunately I seem compelled to pay attention and to feel myself part of something more than myself. For example, I have grown quite fond of the Earth, which is on the verge of being attacked more bigly than usual by an idiot bastard son-of-a-bitch who cannot see anything that is not in the mirror he so often faces. Also I cannot easily ignore the plight of those less fortunate, who similarly are under impending assault, and I have a strange aversion to fascists, racists and pathological liars getting crushed in the popular vote and winning the presidency on a technicality. I was honestly hoping to lighten up, take a few deep breaths, get ready to scrutinize another President Clinton, and never having to see or hear Don Fucking Chrump ever again. The best laid plans of me and men I suppose. So all in all, I would have to say and I will in fact say, that 2016 – a year that will live in infamy – can go fuck itself. It will not be missed. So before the future grabs us all by the pussy...or by the whatever, Paying Attention brings you the final installment in its ironically hopeful divining of the year to come. May you find some degree of peace, health, courage and most important - outrage to help deal with the impending Chrumpnado.

Aloha.

Ed Venture
Editor-in-chief-in-Hawaii

April 1, 2017

The king on his throne

Chrump, locked in a West Wing bathroom since the stroke of midnight, vows to tweet non-stop for 24 hours. His opening salvo, “Donald J. Chrump King of Twitter do hereby tweet Hillary Clinton is a loser. I am a winner.” Many people are saying that he tweets so much because it is easier for him because his tiny hands are a better match for the little keyboard.

His final tweet of the marathon was “I will hold my first press conference tomorrow, April 2^nd.” He did not, claiming it was an April Fool’s joke.

June 30, 2017

Chrump holds his first press conference since taking office. Few wondered why it took so long. By the end no one wondered why it took so long. This might have something to do with the fact that rather than answer questions directly, Chrump tweeted his responses to reporters’ questions. The guy living in the White House was abusive and had the room stocked with supporters who cheered their man’s derision of the press frequently hollering, “Lock them up.” The first question was, “Why haven’t you held a press conference all these months?” Chrump tweeted, “Typical dishonest media gotcha question. Will not answer. Deserve apology from nasty press monkeys. Next question.” It went downhill very quickly from there.

July 4, 2017

Chrump outlaws the Constitution. “Hey it made slavery legal. There was no slavery until the Democrats who wrote the Constitution said the blacks were 3/5 of a person. SAD. It’s old. it’s older than Crooked Hillary Clinton. Remember when I beat her in the election? I ran the best campaign. That’ll teach them not to give me the Emmy. I deserved it. I had the best show. They even got the first word of the whole thing wrong. It was supposed to say ‘Me’ the People. This I can tell you. I know a lot of things. Also they waited until the second to make the most important amendment. Two Amendment, right? Two Amendment, that’s the whole ballgame. I have the best people working on a new improved 21^st Century Chrump Constitution. It will be beautiful and much easier to read. As soon as they finish it I will tweet it to all my many amazing followers.”

Thanks Obama.

August 8, 2017

Водыgate (воды/vody – Russian for water) The Vodygate investigation into Chrumputin’s involvement in the hand-over of Amerika to Russia begins in earnest after Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell is caught providing an orally oriented oratory-free once over to the Russian ambassador on C-SPAN. McConnell still attempted to deny the incident, insisting, “The Senate was in recess and the chamber was empty, the senate chamber that is, so there’s no way C-SPAN should have been broadcasting. Besides, I was just helping the ambassador with his broken zipper and my hands were full.” New Senate leader Bernie Sanders told reporters, “We are going to find out what Chrump knew, when he knew it, and when he knew that he knew it.”

Meanwhile, Chrump has made his plans for the make-over of the White House:

Look familiar?

September 24, 2017

I. Mangrey, concerned citizen and patriotic blogger “testifies” before Congress. He was not subpoenaed. His input was not sought in any way. Mr. Mangrey just showed up, astutely timing his appearance with one of the few working days agreed to by the once-august body. Donning the customary attire in a vain attempt to blend in, Mr. Mangrey unsurprisingly was unable to maintain the faux air of dignity and ennui typical of the legislators he hope to sway. Even sporting his only tie, borrowed suit and best eyebrows, it was not long before his valiant attempts at civility devolved into language that would have reddened Cheney, punishing volume and hysterical laughter.

I. Just Wanna Testify

It was not much longer before he was frog-marched out of the building and experts are still scratching their heads over the fact that he was not remanded over to authorities.

Some are saying that the marshals were too busy high-fiving
Mangrey and lining up for autographs and selfies.

And photobombing…

I. doesn’t get out much

November 8, 2017

Marking the first anniversary of the election of Donald the Menace he visits the United Nations to finalize the Axis of Ego:

December 13, 2016

Saddam Hussein (who Chrump esteemed) had humbler digs

Chrump refuses to leave his apartment in Manhattan. “I’m sick of hanging around the White House. I’m having gold withdrawal. And people won’t leave me alone. Somebody blew this up, someone hijacked whatever. Some losers are protesting because I finally put a stop to that pathetic Amendment One. Off with their heads. Daily security briefings. Really? Every day? I don’t have time for all this crap; it’s cutting into my tweeting time big league. Not to mention hair prep. I’m trying to make Amerika great again. Leave me the fuck alone already. I have already sacrificed so much. Just bomb the shit out whoever it is already. Next week we’re moving the Pentagon into St. Peter and Paul’s cathedral it’s much more convenient for me.

December 29, 2016

Chrump is thwarted at the last moment as he readies to press The Button. Alec Baldwin once again portrayed now-presIDent Chrump in an unflattering way. To be fair there really is no way to portray him in a flattering way. Chrump first tweeted his displeasure before deciding to follow through on his threat.

Sources report that his first attempt failed because his little fingers were not strong enough to press the button sufficiently. It was when he returned with a hammer that Chrump’s mommy Kellyanne Conway noticed what he was about to do and persuaded him to stop by holding up a mirror and distracting him for ten minutes while Secret Service was summoned and had Chrump sedated for a few days.