Eagles Defeat Un-Patriots

Eagles v. Chrump

City of Brotherly Love
June 5, 2018

The Philadelphia Eagles, hot off their Super Bowl LII victory over the New England Patriots, have now handed a stunning, if unsurprising defeat to the Child-in-chief of the United States and renowned un-patriot, Donald J. Chrump.  Chrump, you may recall, has been obsessed with public displays of affection for symbols of our democracy.  Der Furor, as everyone is calling him, has no affection whatsoever for our – or any – democracy, as evidenced by his continuing demands for loyalty to him, and for the end of criminal investigations into his alleged (not really) crimes, and his attempts to dismantle the free press and the justice department. 

Reports are that half of the Eagles team decided not to attend any event with the least patriotic president in American history.  After Chrump realized that he was being shunned, he cancelled the event, instead holding a “celebration of the American flag” featuring the United States Marine Band and the United States Army Chorus performing the Star Spangled Banner – a song whose lyrics, like the words in the Constitution, are unknown to Donald Chrump.  A number of the Eagles were highly visible participants in the respectful exercise of First Amendment rights of peaceful protest during NFL games, though no Eagles knelt during the anthem during the 2017 season, while Chrump disgraces this nation on a daily basis.  It seems that Hair Chrump does not want anyone to kneel during the national anthem, but does want them to kneel before him.

Once the president had completed his morning thumb-and-bowel movements, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Slanders gave a statement, “Unfortunately, the Eagles offered to send only a tiny handful of representatives, while making clear that the great majority of players would not attend the event, despite planning to be in D.C. today.  In other words, the vast majority of the Eagles team decided to abandon their fans.”  Speaking as a long time Eagles fan, and fairly recent foe of Sarah Slanders, I can say without fear of contradiction, that Slanders is a lying bag of hate with only one mentally unstable fan.  And, the Philadelphia Eagles remain beloved by their hometown millions, 90 percent of whom did not vote for, detest with every ounce of brotherly love in their bodies, and wish they had never heard of Slimy Sarah’s lone, loon of a fan.

In his defense, Mr. Chrump has no familiarity with any part of the Constitution other than the least significant, closing phrase of the Second Amendment, which, according to our sources, is repeated to Chrump each night by Sean Hannity before he nods off on the toilet.

First Amendment in action. Someone should read
and explain it to Chrump.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said that he is “equally proud of the Eagles’ activism off the field” and that the players “represent the diversity of our nation — a nation in which we are free to express our opinions.  Disinviting them from the White House only proves that our President is not a true patriot, but a fragile egomaniac obsessed with crowd size and afraid of the embarrassment of throwing a party to which no one wants to attend.”

Kenney also said of the Child-in-chief, “I don't how you can make your case to a child who acts childish, who changes his opinion and his statements every single day and who, frankly, frightens me more than I was frightened in 1968 during the height of the Vietnam War.”

Maybe one day, after all his brain spurs wear off, Chrump will find it in his tiny little heart to PARDON the Eagles players for their intolerable adherence to the spirit and the letter of the Constitution and American democracy.

I. Mangrey bleeding green.  Go EAGLES.