We're America Bitch!*

The Art of The Schlemiel

June 13, 2018

As everyone now knows, and wishes they did not, our feckless bunt of a president met with one of the world’s most brutal, insane and dangerous dictators.  Donald Chrump made him seem like Mr. Rogers.  Being the self-proclaimed greatest deal maker of all time, Chrump used his very good brain, and a little video that looked like a middle school project that barely warranted a D+.  The video was actually manufactured, on purpose, by the NSA.  Chrump used all his incomparable skills to make one of the most astounding deals of all time.  That was not a compliment.

 

Chrump was overheard talking to himself, wandering around the rose garden in his underwear last night, “I was so honored to meet with the very talented and funny Kim Jong Un.  I could tell right away with my touch and my feel.  He is a very smart and handsome man.  Not as handsome as me, as anyone will tell you, but still a good looking guy, if you ask me.  I think everyone should just stop with all the fake talk about who killed who.  As the old song goes, everybody killed somebody sometime.  I can’t even tell you how many people I’ve killed – just not on Fifth Avenue, right before an election.  Look, you can’t be the greatest real estate guy in New York – which I am – without breaking a few skulls here and there.  It’s not like it’s against the law or anything.  People explode every day. At least Kim – we’re on a first name basis already, how great is that – isn’t as dangerous as CNN or NBC.  Now those are some real bad hombres.  And totally fake and very, very promulgatered.  Believe me.  I’m not sure if CNN has nukes, but I wouldn’t be surprised.  They’re definitely trying to bomb the shit out of me.  Very bad people.  Not nice and funny like Kim. Jong. Un.  I’m looking forward to playing golf with him at my beautiful Mor-on Lago resort.  I will beat the crap out of him but it will be a lot of fun.  You know, rooms are very affordable there and the food is excellent.  Call John Kelly and he’ll set you up with a beautiful suite.  I made a great deal, everyone is saying it was the best deal, I think, in history.  Amazingly great deal.  Jong didn’t know what hit him.  I will own all his nukes very soon.  That I can tell you.  He said he will bring them with him when he comes to my White House.  He’s a very trustworthy guy.  He told me so himself.  And Putin agrees.  And everyone loves the amazing Chrump doctrine: “We're America Bitch.”*”

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* description of the Chrump doctrine from a senior White House official with direct access to the president and his thinking.  Actual quote: “The Trump Doctrine is ‘We’re America, Bitch.’ That’s the Trump Doctrine.”

I. Mangrey reaping the whirlwind.  Don’t make me come over there.