Law(less) and (Out of) Order

Episode 1: The Commander-of-Cheese

June 16, 2018

While we wait for the debut of Chrump Family: House Arrest, what do we have for entertainment?   C-SPAN is boring, the news hurts, reality TV just is not the same without The Apprentice.  What ever happened to that guy?  He was such an asshole, but it was funny watching him pretend to be an executive and pretend to fire people.  So fake. SAD. 

America needs a new Law and Order spinoff – Law(less) and (Out of) Order: Special Vermins Unit. Starring Robert Mueller as the cruel, but fair special prosecutor.  Hard-nosed, yet loveable, with a hint of lavender, Mueller is going after the big cheese – the Commander-of-cheese in fact :

Chrump hires the best people

 

To kick off the show’s promo tour, Robert Mueller has broken his silence, making his first public statement since taking on the role of special prosecutor (in real life) in a Paying Attention exclusive.  Mueller gave a brief statement to editor Ed Venture, “I have to say that there is one thing I agree with Trump. I am also sick of this damned Russia investigation.  The problem is, every time I pull on a thread, I find another series of crimes, more and more conspiring with hostile foreign operatives, obstruction of justice, profiteering off of the office of president, including violations of the Emoluments Clause, lying, money laundering, actual Russians, and – now this is not technically indictable – being the most despicable horse’s patoot ever to put on a pair of pants.  J. Fred Muggs – who was also known to wear pants – would have been a better president.  And a better human being.

At least Muggs knew how to hold a book and his
clothes fit better…and he has better hair

I cannot go after Mr. Chrump for destroying this great nation with his harebrained, malignant domestic and foreign policy, that is his right as holder of the highest office, and he is certainly being aided and abetted by my party, the Republican’ts.  If I could, I would – this guy is worse than slavery, the Civil War and Nixon and Dick Cheney all rolled into one.  The time has come to ensure this guy never again sets foot in the Oval Office.  This will make America great again.  This investigation has nothing to do with me simply not liking the man.  I don’t.  But, this is all about the rule of law.  I’m just doing my job.” 

Chrump doing his job

Pardongate

As if all this was not bad enough, Chrump is acting like he just discovered the pardon.  Sure he already pardoned Joe Arpaio, Scooter Libby and Dinesh DiSousa (who you probably have not heard of if you’re lucky) – all terrible people.  Now that the shit is rapidly approaching the fan, Chrump is desperately in search of options.  Everybody knows that he has done nothing wrong, but still, a girl can’t be too careful.  Now like a child who has learned a new word or how to whistle, and obsesses over his new-found ability, our Child-in-chief is suddenly pardon-happy.  To be fair, now that Der Furor realizes that his days are numbered, he wants to make hay while the sun shines on his criminal enterprise.  Sources dangerously close to the prezident are telling me that Chrump is considering pardoning Melania, although this is more like a commutation of sentence. 

Chrump already "pardoned" Kim Jong Un for all his crimes against his people and the sundry enhanced firings of many people around him deemed insufficiently loyal.  Asked to comment on the fact that Kim executes people and has some 120,000 political prisoners locked up, the human document shredder wheezed, “Yeah, but so have a lot of other people have done some really bad things.  I mean, I could go through a lot of nations where a lot of bad things were done.”  Personally, I would be shocked if he could even name a lot of nations.

Speaking of pardons, Paul Manafort might be moving to the front of the line, now that he has become a ward of the state.  Chrump said, “I feel sorry for Paul.  He had nothing to do with my campaign.  He was only with me for four and a half Scaramuccis.  And he was working for free.  And by the way, in case it comes up, I had nothing to do with my campaign.  I was only there for a few months.  I was running my business the whole time – in fact, I still am, and I’m doing very, very well by the way.  I told you I could run my business and run the country, but really, I’m just running the company.  And my totally legit The Chrump Foundation.  The country runs itself basically.  I’m really rich.  Just look at my tax returns.  Psych.”

I. Mangrey retching violently.  Can we go home now?