Bringing You The Future Before It's Too Late, Part I

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

Everybody knows this is Nowhere
December 26, 2019

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

The gang here at Paying Attention has been trying our hand at divining the year to come.  With Trump impeached, but still on the throne, it is barely possible to discern the present.  Certainly hard to believe or stomach it.  Many people do not realize that predicting the future is not an exact science.  Truth be told, science is not always an exact science.  A large swath of America does not think science is even real.  In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing.  Nonetheless, we will put our dubious reputation on the line to tell it like it will be.  Our record has been as good as anyone’s since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, questioning all the answers that will be given in 2020

Here we are, at the end of 2019.  Many people are saying that this will have been one of the worst years ever.  And, that is after staggering through 2016 and then crawling through 2017, which even more people are saying was the worst year ever.  Though mostly more horrific than 2017 and 2018, 2019 at least gave us the illusion of respite with Donald Trump’s Super Gobstopping Impeachment Extravaganza, which resulted in his historic impeachment.  It hardly seems possible that we are poised to have survived three crushingly insane years of the Trump Moronarchy.  We at Paying Attention are hoping that 2020 will not in fact be the last year, but are not holding our breath as The Orange Gas Cloud hits his psychotic stride.  With any luck 2020 will bring the end of Trump’s time as un-president.  Right now, it looks pretty unpromising.

For the past two weeks, though recovering from a brief, intense post-impeachment celebration and another Rent-A-Coma hangover, most of the staff have been working the old Ouija Board, Tarot Cards, roadside fortune tellers, and of course the venerable Magic 8 Ball, searching the ether for clues of what next year holds in store.

Our colleague Shay King throws a mean Tarot

Many people are wondering what will become of the future as it labors frantically to become the present and ultimately, the past that can be conveniently and completely forgotten, rinsed and repeated.

Without any further ado, and minimal malice aforethought, we hesitantly offer all the news before it is fit to print.  Remember, you saw it here first, worst and unrehearsed.

Ed Venture
Mismanaging Editor 

January 11, 2020

How Blue Can He Get?

The long overdue impeachment of Donald Trump left an indelible mark on his ill-gotten un-presidency, on history and on the fragile psyche of the worst president in American history.  Thanks to Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham announcing their intention to ensure a sham Senate trial, Nancy Pelosi decided to keep our articles of impeachment out of Moscow Mitch’s hands for the time being.  Despite the best efforts of his Republican’t enablers and his Russian benefactors/advisors, Trump could not contain his rage, hatred and ignorance.  Trump immediately began tweeting non-stop and lashing out at everyone and everything around him.  Lacking the result he expected from his six-page tantrum, Trump lobbed another written grenade at Pelosi, “Nervous Nancy must forward the fake articles of her ugly, unconstitutional, very bad impeachment very fastly.  This witch hoax is giving impeachment a bad name.  This evil woman, who I sometimes call ‘Nancy,’ must allow this great, possibly greatest president ever, to have his due process – no trial, no witnesses, no impeachment.  Once I am found innocent of the radical left witch hunt, Nervous Nancy must un-impeach me immediately.  If she doesn’t, I will make impeachment great again.  I alone can fix it.”

Chrump doubles down on chins and intransigence. 
Strangely, no one was urging him to breathe.

February 3, 2020

I Have A Clue

“Donald Chrump is a pathological loser…I mean liar.”

What will become known as Bernie Sanders’ famous “I Have a Clue” speech is delivered on the morning of the Iowa caucus.  Never-to-be-forgotten phrases will include, “America, if you’re listening, I hope you can find your guts and your brains, wake up and smell the covfefe, forget about Hillary’s damn emails already, and support my bid to dump Donald Chrump.  I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.”  “I might be old, and had a recent heart attack, but the most important thing you need to know about me, is I am not Donald Chrump.”  “The only thing we have to fear, is Donald Chrump.”  “We choose to remove Donald Chrump in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because if he stays, the rest of us will have to go to the moon for refuge.” 

February 25, 2020

The “Good” Wife

Toxic enabler, Melania stands behind her bully while pretending to care

Melania Chrump makes a desperate plea, but it is not what people expected.  No one would have been surprised to hear the third Mrs. Donald Chrump finally pleading to escape her misogynist husband, but instead what we got was, “Why don’t all these people stop bullying poor Donald.  He has such tiny hands and has no way to defend himself.  Donald is so weak physically – he can barely do a stand-up, let alone a push-up – and mentally; it is unfair for all these people to pick on him.  He has never hurt anyone or done anything wrong.  He makes America great again.  He makes perfect phone calls all the time.  He doesn’t even brag about it.  Leave poor Donald alone. Be best you assholes.”

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        I. Mangrey, T. Doff & Shay King

Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King bringing you the future before it’s too late.

Go and get a stiff drink and gird your loins folks, we’re just getting started.  I predict Part II will be appearing very soon.