The End (of The Year) is Near
Here, There and
Everywhere
December 29, 2019
Where We Will Have Gone From Here
December 29, 2019
Where We Will Have Gone From Here
It is time to pick up where we laughed off. Hopefully, you are sufficiently soused, fittingly fried,
tenuously toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered as 2019 melts away like Greenland’s ice sheet. If you had already started your
Rent-A-Coma experience and are not seeing this in a timely manner, welcome back – I hope
you are feeling refreshed. In any event,
welcome to Part II of our thee-part series on the way it will be in 2020. Buckle up, I predict turbulence ahead.
Eenie meenie chili beanie, the
spirits are about to speak
February 29, 2020
Happy Leap Day
Trump clearly hates people of color (except orange), but he knows it
will be difficult to steal another election with only rich and/or white and/or
racist and/or intellectually challenged support. The man who claims to be “the least racist
person in the world” was finally pressed to reach out to African
Americans. Trump pleaded with non-white
voters at one of his 90 percent white/70 percent white nationalist campaign
rallies,
“First I would like all my African Americans to thank me for giving you
an extra day of Black History Month.
Usually, you only get 28 days, but thanks to Donald Trump you’re getting
29 this year. It was all my idea. I said the blacks deserve an extra day to
celebrate how great Trump made America for them. No one has been better for the blacks than
Trump. As the great Stephen Miller – a
white nationalist you can trust –once said, ‘Donald Trump is the anti-racist
president.’ And he is someone who knows
all about racism. If you get all your people vote for me, I promise to be the
first black president of the United States who was actually born here. Everyone knows, no one is blacker than Donald
Trump. The fake news will never tell you
that, but you know it’s true. Just look
at me, I’m definitely not white, especially with these terrible new bulbs. You people are lucky, you all look the same
no matter what bulbs there are.”
Trump decided to back up
his word with action. Hiss totally
brilliant plan to woo voters of color however, did not work out the way he
expected (see below).
“I assume some of you blacks are very fine
people.
What the hell have you got to lose?”
What the hell have you got to lose?”
April 12, 2020
Merry Easter
Jesus returns to Earth, smites all televangelists and other
hypocritical pseudo-Christians like Mike Pence and Mike Huckabee and the irredeemably
un-Christian Donald Trump.
What a bunch of schmucks. This is goat dreck.
Jesus had some words for those who took his whole raison d'être in
vain.
Not Donald Trump
Moscow Mitch making his mark
You will be mine Donald Chrump.
“Oy vey, I can’t believe you people thought for one second that these charlatans
were following my teachings. I hope you
get the message this time, because I probably won’t be coming back. Forget about me sticking around to make
Heaven here on Earth. You people make me
sick. You’re all Meshuggah. I’m not going to die this time, I’m just
getting the fuck out of here. No rapture
for you!”
Earth Day, April 22, 2020
The Young Shall Inherit The Earth
In 2019 Chrump weakened methane emission regulations, repealed a major
Obama-era clean water regulation – allowing more toxins and pollutants into our
waterways, replaced an Obama-era regulation that reduced CO2 emissions, made
changes to the Endangered Species Act – making it harder to protect at-risk
species, and began plans to eliminate Obama-era automobile pollution
restrictions. Remember, the Chrump
administration tried to re-brand fossil fuels as “molecules of U.S. freedom.”
In 2020, Trump’s relentless efforts to reverse environmental progress
and accelerate global climate destruction finally come to an end. With his poll numbers distilling down to the
grisly core of his hate-filled, fearful base, Trump’s paranoia, loathing and
psychosis exploded well beyond their normally horrifying levels.
Not Donald Trump
One of the few bright spots in 2019 (beside the very beautiful impeachment
of Donald Chrump) was the emergence of TIME Magazine’s Person of the Year Greta
Thunberg as literal and figurative force of nature. Thunberg, on the short list to win the 2020
Nobel Peace Prize gives another powerful speech, this time focusing on the most
significant threat to the environment – Impeached-president Donald Trump.
“There are many problems facing the environment today, but one thing
stands out above all else. Many people
know this as the Toxic Orange Gas Cloud – Donald Chrump. Not only is Mr. Chrump a huge emitter of
greenhouse gases, but he is single-handedly setting us back on fighting climate
crisis more than any person or any country on the Earth. The petroleum products keeping his “hair” in
place are more detrimental than the environmental damage done by many small
countries; not to mention his constant methane emissions. This man who flushes his toilets 10-15 times
every time he tweets, who attacks windmills, and calls the climate crisis a
hoax, needs to close his mouth and get out of the way. I hope all Americans who believe in science and
care about leaving their children a world they can actually live in, will vote
away this hot air buffoon who poisons everything. I thought Boomers were bad until I saw this
man.”
In response Trump held
another of his patented rallies, where his rage reached new levels.
“This very unfortunate little girl who doesn’t understand how climate
works, I know more about climate than all those fake scientists, certainly more
than a little girl who wasn’t even born here – like Barack Obama, and believe
me, my people are bringing back his fake birth certificate very soon, and once
I have that I can also show my taxes – the best taxes you’ve ever seen by the
way. Back in the old days, a little girl
opens her mouth like that, someone just might shut it for her. Are we gonna take shit from that little windmill
loving brat? No we won’t. We’ll make her wish she never heard of Donald
Chrump. And then we are going to get rid
of all those stupid electric cars, those nasty light bulbs and fix everyone’s
toilets so I, I mean you, don’t have to keep flushing 10 or 15 times every
hour.”
May 1, 2020
Mayday,
Mayday
Moscow Mitch making his mark
Fearing the impending loss of his Senate majority and the White House,
Mitch McConnell sponsors legislation outlawing the Constitution.
“This document is outdated.
Despite the fact that this is an election year and the Democrats are
very likely to take control of three branches of government, it is my duty, no
my pleasure to trample everything in my path.
I think I’ve done a pretty good job of it so far, and I’m sure as hell
not going to stop now. They will have to
drag me out of here in handcuffs before I stop fucking this country with
everything I’ve got. The American people
who really matter support my mission to pack the courts and assure that America
makes no social progress whatsoever for the next 50 years. I will be submitting my New Constitution for
a final vote next week. I will allow
Democratic senators to read it the following week.”
July 21, 2020
Get Out, Get Out,
Wherever You Are
South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham finally comes out of the
closet. Surprising absolutely no one,
the Senate’s most flaming hypocrite, shows off his most Chrumpian hairdo as
homage to his orange-hot bromance.
You will be mine Donald Chrump.
After being assured that telegrams were not available, Graham emailed
supporters,
“I swear I never realized that I could have such disgusting feelings
about another man until I decided to bend the knee and bend all the way over
for Donald J. Trump. I know he’s
married, but I cannot take it anymore.
That beautiful hair, or whatever it is, that swirls around and around
and around on his magnificent pumpkin head.
His gorgeous, completely natural orange-y glow. I declare, it makes me lightheaded every time
I see him. And those adorable little
hands. I just want to say, Donald, if
you’re listening, I hope you can find the special gift I hid in your desk. I think you will probably be rewarded
mightily by my flesh. I love you Donald
Trump, you crazy, race-baiting kook.”
____________
Go and have a nap
or a concussion, maybe some Prozac or a short round of Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon. Get ready for the end of 2019. We’ve got the Magic 8 Ball in overdrive – we
asked again later, survived countless hazy replies, and celebrated a surprising
number of “Signs point to yes”. These are not fake predictions.
Ed Venture, I.
Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets
away.
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