Paying Attention: Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part III

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Nigh

December 31, 2019

Get Ready For The Newest Year Ever

Well, here it is. The final installment of what to expect in 2020. With any luck, this will not be the last year we get to see. There’s no way to know for sure. Chrump will keep us guessing, gnashing our teeth, fighting to keep food down, losing sleep and fighting with all we have to keep America from being Chrumped again.

Ed Venture
Unmanageable Editor

July 22, 2020

Choosing Sides

In an unprecedented move, the entire LGBTQ community begs Lindsey Graham to return to the closet. Long-time activist Dan Savage stood on the steps of the Capitol to read a statement.

Dan Savage sticks it to Lindsey Graham

“I hate to say this – I never thought this was possible – but we believe that in this particular case being gay was a choice – and certainly not ours. We implore Mr. Graham to reconsider. After all, anyone who was so ceaselessly mocked and utterly humiliated by Donald Chrump, and who called Chrump a “race-baiting bigot” and a “kook” adding, “I think he's crazy. I think he's unfit for office," and then turns around and says, “What concerns me about the American press is this endless, endless attempt to label the guy as some kind of kook not fit to be president,” can surely change his mind about his sexual orientation. Besides Lindsey, you’re not kidding anyone – there’s no way you’re getting any from anyone regardless of sexual preference. Most importantly, nuzzling Donald Chrump’s balls to keep your job does not make you gay, just pathetic. Please, go back into the closet. And stay there. You are making all of us uncomfortable.”

August 6, 2020

Chrump Determined To Strike in US

The Presidential Daily Briefing (PDB), which has not been delivered to the now-impeached-president since Donald Chrump proved himself incapable of understanding or keeping secret vital national security information. Chrump gave up vital secrets directly to Russians in the Oval Office just months after being inaugurated.

Today’s PDB, 19 years to the day after the infamous warning to George W. Bush of Osama bin Laden’s plan one month prior to the Saudi attack on American soil, warned of another significant threat to America.

The American intelligence community decided to take their warning directly to the American public – via Twitter. They warned that the mentally unstable, soon-to-be-lame-duck, impeached-president “could not be trusted, in fact never could be trusted to safeguard our nation. Not only that, our intelligence shows that in his current state of accelerating mental deterioration, he is a credible threat to perpetrate an act of disruption intended please Vladimir Putin and to inspire his base to rally behind an attempt to initiate martial law and circumvent the November election. The assumption is that this is a back-up plan in the event that the vigorous efforts to sabotage the coming election via foreign operatives, particularly Russia, appear insufficient to disrupt the will of the American people, who clearly desire new “leadership.” We are currently putting in place preventive measures to ensure the safety of our nation. We are doing everything possible, despite interference from the Senate majority leader, to ensure that there will be, God willing, a smooth transition of power to the 46^th president of the United States. Also, to that end, we have decided to pay homage to former head of the FBI James Comey and release secret emails, extremely imperfect phone calls and previously unknown video footage of Donald Chrump grabbing several women by the you-know-what.”

September 24, 2020

Food For Fraught

George W. Bush famously almost lost a life and death struggle with a pretzel. Not to be outdone, Donald Chrump was almost done in when he accidentally (according to reports) swallowed his phone. It is possible that, in the heat of another of his innumerable hissy fits, he mistook the phone for one of the dozen Whoppers (the ones that go into his mouth, not the ones that come out of it) he was wolfing down in between outbursts. Sources inside the White House, between spasms of uncontrollable laughter, told reporters that Chrump was on the toilet – between flush #12 and 13 – rage-tweeting about a viral video showing a 10-month-old uttering her first words.

Hey you, monkey breath, where the hell is my phone?

Apparently, the mother’s phone camera had been accidentally left on while mom was momentarily out of the room. “I just stepped away for a few seconds and had no idea what had happened until later, when I noticed my phone had been recording. When I hit play I heard Jenny say, with a big grin on her face, ‘Chrump is a fucking moron and a poopy head.’ These were literally her first words. According to the source, “Mr. Chrump was banging on his phone, screaming and wheezing so loudly and vigorously that he somehow ended up inhaling the damn thing. Several of us – Mr. Chrump often insisted that there were witnesses to prove he needed to flush at least a dozen times – debated what, if anything, we should do. I know this isn’t right, but some of us figured this would be an easy out, you know, if we just let him sort it out by himself, but then we worried there might be consequences since there are still a few people around here who want him to keep making America great again. So we begrudgingly removed the phone and handed him some pretzels.”

November 2, 2020

Rejection Eve

Every single poll has the surprise ticket of Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren and Stacey Abrams running away with the popular vote and the Electoral College. It was only a few months ago that Sanders floated the idea of a Deputy Vice President. “My good friend Elizabeth Warren and I simply refused to not only take corporate/big donor money, but to not attack each other during the primary. We realized that our combined support needed to be kept whole to defeat the pathological liar Chrump. Let’s face it, Elizabeth and I are not exactly spring chickens, so we decided it would be good to assure all Americans that we had a back-up plan in the person of a very young, very dedicated and wonderfully charismatic extra running mate. We couldn't think of anyone better than the-had-it-not-been-for-absolutely-shameless-cheating-by-her-opponent, would-have-been-governor of Georgia Stacey Abrams. This way, should anything befall either Elizabeth or myself while in office, America would know ahead of time who will be next in line. Together, we can surely defeat Putin’s puppet and realize our campaign slogan, “Bring America Back To Its Senses.”

The Dreamocratic Ticket

November 3, 2020

Ejection Day

At 10:15 PM Eastern Time Impeached-president Donald Chrump stood in front of cameras at his Mor-on Lago Resort, where he had been holed up for several weeks. It was presumed, based on his having lost most of the Eastern states, much of the Midwest, the entire West Coast and Texas and Arizona, that he would make a concession speech.

Very stable genius gives fake victory screech

“This fake election will not take my great presidency away from me. You cannot vote out a president who is doing such a great job. So long as there are Mexican criminals and rapists destroying this country, I will stay on the job until I decide America is great again. I just had a perfect phone call with Vladimir Putin and he said very strongly that I won. Mr. Putin has never lied to me – unlike the fake news and all my advisors – and told me he counted the votes and I got all of them.”

December 24, 2020

S’no Joke:
The Whitest Thing About Christmas Is The People Killing The Planet

Those dreaming of a white Christmas will have to either keep dreaming or move to the actual North Pole. If they choose the latter, they had better do it this year, since the Arctic will soon be the new Florida. Florida of course, will soon be the new Atlantis.

Maybe there’s some snow back beyond those sand dunes?

The reason for the angst gripping much of the U.S. this holiday season is what the anti-science crowd are calling “fake weather.” Temperatures in Washington, DC and most of the Northeast Corridor are predicted to top 120 degrees on Christmas morning. Reports of Santa sightings say he appeared to be sporting a thong and, rather than toys, was delivering bags of ice.

Climate refugees mingle with those dreaming of a white Christmas
in a desperate attempt to escape the burning Earth

Also on this day, Americans are once again free to say Happy Holidays. Impeached-president Chrump’s Executive order 45536 stated, “No American citizen shall be permitted to say anything but Merry Christmas to other Americans during the time between July 4 and December 30 of any given year. It is acceptable to add Happy New Year, but only after insisting there be a Merry Christmas. Anyone overheard saying Happy Holidays will be immediately deported – even if they are white. Jews will not be permitted to speak or appear in public between Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas. It’s for their own protection.” The order was issued by Chrump just one month earlier and today is ruled too absurd to even rule on by several district courts. According on one judge, “People are free to say whatever the fuck they want. No one, not even a president, not even an idiotic impeached president, can tell people how to greet each other. Ever. Even at Christmas. And besides, you cannot issue executive orders after losing an election. No matter what Putin says.”

Oh, and fuck Brett Kavanaugh

______________________

You might have noticed that we did not predict Chrump on the brink of declaring war on South Korea, Canada, Mexico or Congress. It was simply not possible to divine the date that Chrump threatened to kiss Putin’s ass (Chrump later claimed he obviously meant ‘kick’). the Great Depression-like crash of the Stock Market, the tanking of the economy, and Chrump’s revamped, big beautiful marshmallow border wall. We felt it unnecessary to tackle the low-hanging fruit.

Well, that’s it for Paying Attention in 2019 (unless something super crazy happens in the next 24 hours), and all we know about what to expect in 2020. For now, sit back and pour yourself a beverage; a nice hot cup of tea, a martini, maybe something from the hemp family. However you roll, make sure you have your Rent-a-Coma on hand, just in case. It’s flying off the shelves. And, you never know when it might come in handy. Go out and party like you mean it.