Alternative Acts
January 12, 2021
The world’s sorest loser, disgraced IMPEACHED Fake president
Donald Trump will not be attending his successor’s inaugural as he has
convinced himself that he won reelection in a landslide. This, despite all
evidence electoral, judicial and otherwise to the contrary. Tens of thousands
of dead people voted, votes were shredded, voting machines were tampered with,
fake votes were trucked in. Trump claimed to know all of this to be true
because he heard someone say it, because “that’s what the rumors are”. All, as
it turns out, complete and utter bullshit. Nothing it seems will ever convince
the emotionally and mentally disabled Trump of anything other than the insane
conspiracy theories bouncing around the bone-encased cavity between his
artificially-colored ears.
Our sources tell us that Donald will be holding his own
inaugural with family and “friends.” Paying Attention has obtained a transcript
of Trump’s latest perfect phone call to prospective attendees:
Very, very large uh-brain, best words, perfect phone calls
“Hi everyone, it’s The Donald. As you know, many losers will
be watching big loser Sleepy Joe Biden get sworn in to illegally steal my job
that I was doing better than anyone. I’m America’s favorite president and
there’s no way I could lose to Sleepy. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows I
won because I had the biggest rallies and everyone voted for me, unless you
count all those dead people and fake Georgia people. Just because most of those
people who were at my rallies are either dead or in hospitals doesn’t mean I
lost. I don’t lose. Biggest winner of all time. Just ask Ivanka, she knows. She
knows me very intimately. I’m inviting you to my real inaugural, which I’m
doing so that when the truth finally comes out about how rigged and fake the election
was, I can get right back to doing the very incredible job I was doing. Such a
great job and no one ever said thank you Trump. I do it because I’m such a
great American, who loves America so much. No one has humped more flags than
Trump. That I can tell you. It will be one of the greatest days America has ever
seen. Even better than that great day when all those heroes did what I told
them and took over the stupid Capitol. What a great day. Very special people.”
Should be lots of fun. Hopefully all of the loyal followers
he just threw under the bus during his latest hostage video will attend with
the same enthusiasm they displayed at the Capitol on January 6th.
I. Mangrey, ever hopeful. They were all made for each other.
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